I keep promising more blog posts.
I do type them.
Then I save them in drafts.
Then, two days later, I delete them.
Maybe its a phase I am growing through. I seem to be discontent with literally everything.
I've already considered the things that I want to post here, in this very post, and then don't.
Write, re-write, delete, write again. I've promised myself that something will get published today. Even if its just a published blog about not having published. Although, that seems entirely redundant. . .
The second guessing nature of my personality is in full swing. Decisions that I make daily I keep swinging back and forth between the options.
Now the big decisions, as you've witnessed, are generally always going through my mind. (Do I stay in England or return to the states, PhD proposal or no PhD proposal, teaching again or not, sell my car or not, visa application or not, fly home in Nov./Dec. or not) However, this has trickled all the way down into daily decisions regarding eating or not. To wear something or not (don't worry, I wear clothes but change about 15 times unless I am going to work. They tell me what to wear). To go into town or not. I seem to be over weighing my options in every aspect of life.
I wish I knew what was going on inside.
I cant tell if its a head problem, a heart problem, or a soul problem.
Even if I did know where it originated I am not sure what I would do then.
I am going to give guided mediation a shot. I was the recipient of a gracious gift of CD's with meditations on them. I think after the RWC final tomorrow morning I am going to sit in my room with the house quiet and try.
And, on top of all of this, it correlates with the time of life where I am truly single. I cant tell if this is all just withdraw symptoms of being with someone to help me decide things or if that is an unrelated issue to be dealt with later. One known issue from my string of relationships is that I have no real hobby of my own. Rugby is about as close to that as I come and its not originally one of my own.
Maybe this indecisiveness is just the manifestating symptoms of a co-dependent human who is also just now realizing that they are a co-dependant human.
I do type them.
Then I save them in drafts.
Then, two days later, I delete them.
Maybe its a phase I am growing through. I seem to be discontent with literally everything.
I've already considered the things that I want to post here, in this very post, and then don't.
Write, re-write, delete, write again. I've promised myself that something will get published today. Even if its just a published blog about not having published. Although, that seems entirely redundant. . .
The second guessing nature of my personality is in full swing. Decisions that I make daily I keep swinging back and forth between the options.
Now the big decisions, as you've witnessed, are generally always going through my mind. (Do I stay in England or return to the states, PhD proposal or no PhD proposal, teaching again or not, sell my car or not, visa application or not, fly home in Nov./Dec. or not) However, this has trickled all the way down into daily decisions regarding eating or not. To wear something or not (don't worry, I wear clothes but change about 15 times unless I am going to work. They tell me what to wear). To go into town or not. I seem to be over weighing my options in every aspect of life.
I wish I knew what was going on inside.
I cant tell if its a head problem, a heart problem, or a soul problem.
Even if I did know where it originated I am not sure what I would do then.
I am going to give guided mediation a shot. I was the recipient of a gracious gift of CD's with meditations on them. I think after the RWC final tomorrow morning I am going to sit in my room with the house quiet and try.
And, on top of all of this, it correlates with the time of life where I am truly single. I cant tell if this is all just withdraw symptoms of being with someone to help me decide things or if that is an unrelated issue to be dealt with later. One known issue from my string of relationships is that I have no real hobby of my own. Rugby is about as close to that as I come and its not originally one of my own.
Maybe this indecisiveness is just the manifestating symptoms of a co-dependent human who is also just now realizing that they are a co-dependant human.
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