I am nearing the end of my dissertation. Literally days away and have been fighting off the feeling of just being completely defeated.

I went to a little discussion/talk thing tonight at the church. Not really my usual thing but I just found it really depressing. Not really because I heard anything I disagreed with either, but because I really am hundreds of miles away from where I want to be. I don't even know if its a place where I want to be.

Christians make me so uncomfortable. I don't fit in and I am a Christian for as long as I have had fingers and toes. I have a hard time believing that its able to have fun as a christian, date, and do things socially. The pastor said that its okay to have fun but I hardly feel happy when I am at these group things. I dont know what to say and they have their own little groups which they are happy to negotiate within. I am a new comer and not forceful. This puts me in a situation that places me on the outskirts. They know my name (sometimes) and ask about the one thing they know--my dissertation. They only know one thing because I feel inexplicably judged based solely off of their title as a Christian within the church and make sure not to share more than surface things.

I feel like this is what being shy is like. Struggling to feel welcome and accepted. Except I am a massive extrovert anywhere else. I thought church was supposed to be safe?

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