Its a question I have asked myself for years. Its a topic covered by many a blog. Many written by myself.

Am I good enough?

The answer is simple. No.

I think when people realise the depth of my 'good enough' complex it confuses them.
I'm an overachiever because of this complex and it, whatever it may be, still is never enough.

Part of the human condition, I suppose, is to never be quite enough to be considered good.  It is something I have come to terms with in regards to saving myself. I cant.
its everything else that I have yet to rationalise, understand, and exercise in my life.

Perfectionism runs in my blood. I like things to be done to the absolute highest standard. Even more than is possible in most situations and I expect others to adhere to these standards. Sadly, we cannot.

I recently watched a goofy youtube ad making fun or the adobe photoshopped women in magazines. Even with the knowledge that these women are not real, I cant help but desire to really look like that. I have friends who do.

(because even those things that we consider to be perfect when looked on from the outside are only perfect to the one who doesn't have it)

In one ear I am whispered the sweet nothings of the life I see in everyone else. In the other is the one that says live an excellent life.
While both of these interpretations are skewed to what is really being told to me, I seem to combine them into one message that says I must do these things, be this way, say these things, have this ability, to be good--enough.

I have the urge to pile my spiritual walk into this pile. If only I had that gift or did enough things then I could be that way.

I do it relationally. If only I act a certain way and say (or dont say) things then things will turn out this somehow ideal way.

Physically - If I eat this, work out, wear these things, have my hair this way, be tan, ect then I will be good enough.

Scholastically if I can read enough, if I can write well enough, if I can think deep enough and long enough on a subject I can grasp it in its perfection.

Looking at it from this perspective I see the ridiculousness in it all. Living in it, daily, I struggle to separate it from the truth.

Somewhere in there I wallow in the self-pity that I will never actually be good enough. I seem to forget that through HIM I can do all things. I can be good enough but it will never be due to my own strength.  (not sure that some of these things on my list count towards what he wants, but you get the idea)

The excellence demanded of me is only out of what I have been given and instructed on. The perfections that the world whispers into my other ear are hardly perfect; and should be hardly desirable. At least, thats what I am told.

Its a strange balance between self-conceit and self-pity.

It seems, most days, that I have been spun around in this tumble dryer of 'enoughs' that i am unable to see through any of them with clarity. I hardly recognise that I have this complex, these assumptions, this idea in my head until something pops up.

Proximity to what I perceive as perfection or ideal generally triggers the thoughts. The few of the day have been very contrasting: Spiritual giftedness/strength and how I look.

I cant figure out why I want either but I also cant argue convincingly enough yet that I don't care about either.
I certainly need saving from myself, often.

I cry out 'vanity, all is vanity' whilst looking in the mirror.

Leave a Reply.

    What is this?

    A conglomeration of thoughts at any given moment.