While I realise that Christmas is not really the birth of Christ, it is our time to celebrate him in this modern world.
I wanted to share some of my thoughts into the traditional Christmas story passage that we hear.
Luke 2:7-14 NASB

(broken down in my thoughts)

7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

* First, biblically it makes a massive difference that he is the first-born son. Both of Mary and Joseph-- but also of God. The inheritance of the first born is that of all of the blessings of the family. To be first born of God means that he literally inherited his fathers kingdom (on heaven AND earth)

 8 In the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And (an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people;

* The very night, aside from seeing an angel, these men were witness to the miracle that Jesus would perform. He would free mankind from sin in a mere lifetime. (33 years) and make unending joy available to a broken and sinful people. Great joy! and the best part is that it is for ALL people. Not just the Jewish nation, but his promise of joy was a promise of unmeasurable, unending, and overflowing joy, peace, and righteousness for all of mankind! Something that would could have never dreamt of on our own, Joy that would be attainable, easy, and freely given!

11 for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

*Some versions read THE Messiah. The one that an entire nation of people had been impatiently waiting for. These fortunate men were some of the first men to know that prophecy had been fulfilled. How much privilege can one group of humble men receive!?

12 This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,
 14 “Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased.”

*Do you see this. A multitude of Angels sang about men, on earth, whom God - the ANCIENT OF DAYS- is pleased with. God who created the heavens and Earth, God Almighty, Jehovah, Yahweh, the I AM is pleased with men. What did we do? Nothing, we recieved a gift, a sacrifice, his firstborn son.

How can you not love Christmas?

One thing that has grown with me over these past few months is my Joy.

Its visible. I have had it mentioned to me and agree. However, its not simply happiness.

Aristotle contends that happiness is not temporal nor emotional based. Something that builds up due to leading the virtuous life. This life which he described is lived in the golden mean. A moderate standing upon extremes--the virtues.

I agree with his description of happiness being something more substance based. We have put an emotional and fleeting description upon this word--happiness-- that was never meant to be.
But, I'm not sure that he nailed happiness, eudaimonia, completely correctly. The happy life. Virtue based ethical theory that answers one of the deepest questions asked by man kind. What does it mean to live; to really live a quality, worthwhile, meaning filled life?

Joy would much better translate to his description of happiness (eudaimonia) in his works, in my mind at least. Yet, how this joy is obtained is still missing something.

I can only judge from my personal experience where I can say that Aristotelian virtue ethics are good but in saying that they lead to joy would be wrong on my part.

We have been discussing the happy life and what Christ says on the topic in our wednesday group (Nooma). While the basic plot is hardly philosophic it is founded in truth. There is theology there, Rob is sweet enough to not delve into it, but it is visible to someone looking for it.

I can truly say the life lived for another is a truly happy life. A life devoted to Christ, in particular, is one that is truly joyful. Where I have, counter to western philosophy and modern consumerism, decided to dedicate my efforts to building church and my relationship to God I have seen the material and emotional aspects of my life added to in a greater measure.
I haven't felt truly homesick in months. After a year here, I spend some time focusing my talents and efforts on something other than me and I am truly happy.

This doesn't mean I am going to decide to become a nun, offer everything I have to charity and shave my head. For one, I like my hair. Two I think that the desires I have for a relationship aren't terrible ones nor are my affections for all things nice.

Yet, for the first time in my life its easy to not focus on what I have or not. What I look like or not. Where I am, who I am with, what I am doing. I believe that my time spent is time spent doing worth while things. And to be completely honest, I enjoy what I am doing.

I am not saying everything has been solved. I struggle with pride still (I know, shocking after the beating delivered by my MA) and planning for the future.
Everything in my being wants to plan the next 2 years out. Work, schooling, travels, friends, family, living situations, and whatever else you can fit in a google calendar until 2014.

I love starbucks but I also am a intellectual and teacher at heart. I am curious (downgraded from restless) about where those loves are going to lead me. I get a lot of degrading comments about working there, from customers to fellow course mates. (oddly enough, unemployed course mates)

This all to say that I am not obsessed with developing my virtuous side. I've settled that it truly is impossible to learn. This was something that even Aristotle himself struggled with. Only the truly virtuous could teach others to become the same. Yet, one did not entirely know when he became virtuous. Even if you had decided that you lived out the golden mean your happiness could be taken from you in circumstances (either by choice or financial loss) He cites Priam from Troy in the Nicomachean ethics. He loses his children, kingdom, and life. Was Priam truly happy?

The parallels are shocking for me. I feel like it is blatantly obvious and stupid of me for not seeing this sooner. Priam failed at happiness because his world, life, and value was added amongst things that are temporal. Each would have failed eventually, a truth that no man can argue against.
God sent his Son to earth. A KING among kings who lost everything without cause. His position in his kingdom, family when his father forsook him, and his life. However, where western philosophy is shaken at the core is that he was and is truly happy. He willingly laid this down. Once he had done so, all the things were added back to him.

Things that poor Priam could have never have dreamt of--joy without a time limit.

Happiness that does not rely on his temporal situation.

No, Priam was not truly happy nor did he live the good life. He was virtuous but not enough. No human can truly be virtuous enough to cause himself to be joyful.

When the things are removed from your life does your happiness go with it? Are you like Priam?

I have always been drawn to the book of Job.

I find the story fascinating. I guess the character, power, and grandness of God shows clearly, to me, through his story.

I recently have come back to Job with fresh eyes. This time not for the character of God but of Job. He, through all of his suffering, praises God.

My recent prayer is for the spirit of Job. I want to praise God not when its just good but when its so terrible that there is no foreseeable way out.
I am in a good place right now but I know that tough times will come and I want my strength to be in the joy of the Lord rather than my circumstances.

My second recent desire has been for my heart to be broken for what breaks God's heart.

Overall, life has only gotten better recently. I seem to have doors being thrown wide open each week. I just am blessed and more blessed and more blessed.

I am eager to see what this week brings! I am beginning to have desires changed and to find things that I have been passionate about being brought back to me. Its refreshing and exciting!

I truly am seeing the power of prayer come to life.

I want to leave you with my recent studies. I have still been looking into the names of God. Messiah being my most recent discovery. It is actually not a name but a description. The hebrew word can be used to describe a litany of things. Marking, anointed one, to be set apart. Obviously Jesus fulfilled all of these things. Even more so the name, which I read occurs about 40 times, is in regard to the King of Israel. "The Psalm literature especially regards mashiah as God's agent or vice-regent... but from the New Testament we learn that the meaning of mashiah in Psalm 2:2 can not be limited to a king about to be enthroned, but is a reference to the unique vice-regent Jesus Christ (Acts 13:32, Hebrews 1:5, 5:5)."
I love how each aspect of the character of God shows through the various titles he is called. Anointed one, set apart, the only one able to completely eliminate sin so we are able to encounter God ourselves.

Hunger still is at bay. I am amazed really.
The only struggle I've come into is my mood.
My mood has been a little flippant.

I am struggling keeping judgements at bay.  I've also had a bit of a tiff with a friend. I don't think this is because of food though, I think it just happened at the same time. 

I didn't expect the hardest part of my fast being my attitude towards my surroundings. I am unsure of my awareness of my attitude being new or the attitude itself being new. I am torn between the two. Have I been this way all along and its taken 2 days of fasting for me to notice? I wanted to be shown things and I guess this is new. The other possibility is aspects of my personality are 'shining' through the struggle of saying no to myself.
Either way I've already encountered bits of me that I am keen on getting rid of.

Although I'm not hungry I do realize how much I just WANT food. My stomach isn't growling, there is no pain, no discomfort for my little hunger beast in my stomach. He's silent. However, the satisfaction/pleasure that food gives has just kicked in full after I said that I couldn't have it. The difficult part is just not snacking when you feel the urge (bored or otherwise)
I want breads and pasta the most followed by chicken. Apparently thats my 'go to' food. hahah


Physically I am still bouncy. I woke up at 5 so I'm running out of steam but that's normal by 9pm the same day.  My never ending cold/allergies kicked in yesterday too and I didnt really sleep a whole lot. I remember looking at the clock often. I tried to nap today and couldn't do that either.

Well I want to end on a verse that I found reading today. Lamentations of all books.

3:24-25
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him

The use of portion really stood out to me. I've been expecting something big to happen this week but it may be gradual. He is what I need, my provider and portion. I must wait therefore for the good to come. But what I must do through this, through my character flaws and all, is continually seek him.

Today I began my 9 day fast.


1 Corinthians 9:27 was given in church this morning confirming my decision!

I feel amazing and its been ALL DAY without food.

If that's not God I don't know what is.
I'm still nice-ish (working on subduing that flesh side)

I've been considering (felt called to) a fast for a long time but kept putting it off until I got a number of days to fast. I didn't want to start and have no end in sight.
So praying last night I was thinking about something completely different and, out of nowhere,  heard that I should be fasting for 9 days.
This morning I decided on having solely liquids and thus began my fast.
I'm a baby at fasting (haven't actually done a real fast ever) so 9 days was a huge commitment for me.

But, what I do know, is that I love food AND I need to put my faith in something that I KNOW I cannot control. My hunger and moods (because of hunger) is something that I cannot control.
Giving this over is something that I am really excited about. I can already see God taking control of who I am through this and still have 8 more days!!

I've picked out an hour or so a day minimum that I will spend just talking with God and hoping to get a deeper level with him. I feel that now I've recognised that I am forgiven and redeemed that I need to figure out where else I am supposed to be going.
I feel free but that can't be it.

I need to know what Is next.

What I have started in my search is learning who God is by his names.
I have already come up with something intense and mind blowing.
Well, mind blowing, to me.

When Elohim is used in the creation story the name is actually a plural and singular at the same time. It exists only within the Hebrew language for one God but is actually a plural word.
Furthering the argument for the trinity, one of the first names that we are introduced to is Elohim which describes one who is more than one but one.
The scholars seem to disagree on the direct translation other than it describes a creator and is indescribable.

Does that sound like your God? Because that's mine!

IT'S OFFICIAL!

I have my MA from the University of Exeter in Classics and Ancient History with Merit.

That feels so incredibly amazing to say! To be honest I wasn't sure how I was going to do with the chaos of this past year. Between Sharon's death after Christmas, completely switching topics (from Archaeology to Philosophy), being enrolled in the incorrect modules, and living in a strange country I expected barely to scrape by. Of course, as always, I could have done better but I am pleased with the outcome -- with all things together considered.

The best was my dad's response on FB. It made me cry...
Not that I need to be validated for work but recognition is AMAZING from your parents.

The congratulations and nice words on facebook have been overwhelming as well. I just wish people knew how big of a milestone this is for me. My MASTERS degree. Something I have wanted since I was a little goober!

I've decided to take part in the ceremony. It sounds so much more exciting now that I know what I have gotten. I have two tickets so people can come watch but I am not sure who to have come watch me! haha. Someone with a camera and patience (and a poor friend to tag along)!

I need a dress and heels.

THIS is cause for celebration.

GOD IS SO GOOD! I deserve so much less than this and am entirely humbled by this year. I shouldn't be here. It brings me to tears.
Again, I wish I could impart how much this little paper means to me and what it represents.

I read through my last post and smiled.

I really did have a revival in my life. A refreshing of life actually.

Our church here in Exeter had a revival and brought in an amazing spirit filled speaker. Terry Shuttlesworth.

It gave me the push that I needed to start down the path I needed to. Well, to, as CS Lewis puts it, turn back because its the shortest way to the correct end.

Some massive things have changed, some are still changing.

**I'm putting of my PhD for one. Not forever, but long enough that it no longer rules my every thought. I need some time to focus on my spirit and soul. I really have spent the past few years focusing on academia and not taken the time to grow myself. This came to light during the revival conference at church.

** Two, I am not going to date this year --from today until today next year-- (and the next bc RLS doesn't allow it haha) because I need to sort myself out. I need to figure out what I like, what I don't like, and how to entirely gain happiness without influence from another person. I've met and have been surrounded with great people but I am not in a place where I need to be. If I wasn't me, I wouldn't date me.

** I am planning on 2 years in Exeter. This year working at Starbucks full time (I've been offered the chance to promote in Jan) and next year at a leadership school. After those two years then we will see what happens.

I am so relieved, certain, relaxed, and happy. My parents are happy with my new found path for the next few years as well.

I really have been pushed to be a true Christian. Its been something I ignored for a long time but now have a really really strong desire for.

'A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.'
Ludwig Wittgenstein


I think everyone that witnesses someone pulling/pushing the wrong way on a door has to laugh. We laugh for a few reasons. Generally because the directions are written in MASSIVE letters at eye hight giving directions to the potential door opener. They struggle against the 'locked' door, sometimes asking others why in the world the door is locked, or giving up and staring at it for a bit. We laugh because we have all done this.
* I did this twice today -- and not the laughing part*

How much more trapped are we when the door does not come labelled?


Wittgenstein was an interesting man/philosopher but I find a lot of truth in this quote.

I find myself confused about situations in life. Feeling trapped by the circumstances and the way out seems to be locked. With no windows or escape hatches to jump from, the door seems the only way out. Smashing it becomes an option to the panicked individual, but before that comes along I stand there pushing against the door which should be pulled. Crying out, 'why is this locked, I cant get out!? Help!'

I have prayed that prayer many times. Asking why the way out seems locked.

All I simply must do is pull on the door. Try a different angle, consider a new solution, or take a moment and examine the door.

Christians try and convince themselves that they are meant to be trapped in the room. I think that its a way out instead of asking why in the world the door is locked. The answer always comes back calmly. Pull. Unless, of course, your door is a push door.

All of this to say I have taken a moment to examine my door. I haven't figured out if I am pushing or pulling on the door to do the opposite. However, this moment in life - my trapped in a room moment - is learning to consider the way out and how to open it.

Not sure if that's the application Wittgenstein had in mind but there it is.

Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.


Denial Patterns:
[x] I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
[x] I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
[ ] I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
[x] I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
[x] I label others with my negative traits.
[x] I can take care of myself without any help from others.
[x] I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
[ ] I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
[x] I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
7 of 9  :/

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
[x] I have difficulty making decisions.
[x] I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
[x] I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
[x] I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
[x] I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
[x?] I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
{x] I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
[x?]I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
[x]I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
[x i can] I perceive myself as superior to others.
[x] I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
[ ]I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
[x?] I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

all but one, maybe some half scores.

Compliance Patterns:
[x- in the past]  I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
[x] I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
[x] I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
[x] I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
[x- in a relationship] I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
[ ]I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
[?]I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:
[x] I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
[x] I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
[x] I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
[ ]I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
[ ]I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
[ ]I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
[ ]I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
[?]I demand that my needs be met by others.
[x] I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
[ ]I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
[x]I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
[x] I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
[x?] I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
[ ] I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:
[x] I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
[x] I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
[x] I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
[x] I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
[x- relationships] I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
[x] I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
[xxxxxxxx] I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
[x] I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
[x- wow] I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
[x] I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
[ ] I withhold expressions of appreciation.


I don't even know how to respond to this.
My blog yesterday prompted me to look at a site explaining co-dependency. This little check list was there and the amount of things that I can recognize in myself is shocking. I don't know if I can totally see everything in the mirror but literally only a few things I don't think I do.
Of course, a man is a poor judge of his own case.

Now to determine if I am self diagnosing or if this is really a problem. Although, it seems clear that something needs to be done because there are some serious character flaws here.  :(

Thoughts? Help? Links?

I keep promising more blog posts.

I do type them.
Then I save them in drafts.
Then, two days later, I delete them.

Maybe its a phase I am growing through. I seem to be discontent with literally everything.

I've already considered the things that I want to post here, in this very post, and then don't.
Write, re-write, delete, write again. I've promised myself that something will get published today. Even if its just a published blog about not having published. Although, that seems entirely redundant. . .

The second guessing nature of my personality is in full swing. Decisions that I make daily I keep swinging back and forth between the options.
Now the big decisions, as you've witnessed, are generally always going through my mind. (Do I stay in England or return to the states, PhD proposal or no PhD proposal, teaching again or not, sell my car or not, visa application or not, fly home in Nov./Dec. or not)  However, this has trickled all the way down into daily decisions regarding  eating or not. To wear something or not (don't worry, I wear clothes but change about 15 times unless I am going to work. They tell me what to wear). To go into town or not. I seem to be over weighing my options in every aspect of life.

I wish I knew what was going on inside.
I cant tell if its a head problem, a heart problem, or a soul problem.
Even if I did know where it originated I am not sure what I would do then. 

I am going to give guided mediation a shot. I was the recipient of a gracious gift of CD's with meditations on them. I think after the RWC final tomorrow morning I am going to sit in my room with the house quiet and try.

And, on top of all of this, it correlates with the time of life where I am truly single. I cant tell if this is all just withdraw symptoms of being with someone to help me decide things or if that is an unrelated issue to be dealt with later. One known issue from my string of relationships is that I have no real hobby of my own. Rugby is about as close to that as I come and its not originally one of my own.

Maybe this indecisiveness is just the manifestating symptoms of a co-dependent human who is also just now realizing that they are a co-dependant human.